This joke made my hole weak!
A soldier shows up for military training but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.
The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.
"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout 'Stabbity stab-stab'. Now get moving."
The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts "Bangity bang-bang!" the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts "Stabbity stab-stab!" and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.
So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting "Bangity bang-bang" and occasionally "Stabbity-stab-stab", until eventually he realizes he's the last man standing.
He's feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.
The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, "Bangity-bang-bang!"
But the other soldier doesn't go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.
The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, "Bangity bang-bang!"
But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.
Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, "Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!"
But to his dismay, nothing works.
Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.
He stands over the fallen soldier and says:
"Tankity tank-tank."
yet another one ahahhahah
Dave and Steve go camping in sasquatch-infested woods.
Комментарий №510711 R0 ответить 15 Июля, 2024 22:50 ОП 'Reasonable, well-adjusted men that they are, the friends pay no attention to the rumors that their destination is home to big-footed cryptids. They also don't pay much attention to their preparations, unfortunately, and they end up bringing only one (incredibly small) tent.
"Damn it, Dave," Steve says, "there's no way that we can both fit in that thing!"
"We can use it in shifts!" suggests Dave. "I'll use it for an hour, then you'll use it for an hour, then..."
"Don't be stupid," Steve interrupts. He sighs and looks up at the clear sky. "Look, I'll just sleep outside."
The sun sets (as it has a tendency to do before nightfall), Dave and Steve turn in, and before long, they're both fast asleep... which is why neither of them notice when three gargantuan, fur-covered beasts come walking through the forest and into the clearing.
"Get a load of this idiot!" the first sasquatch says, pointing at Steve. "He forgot to bring a tent!"
"What a moron!" the second sasquatch agrees.
"Maybe he just likes sleeping under the stars?" asks the third sasquatch.
"Shut up, Barry," replies the first sasquatch. "Hey, you know what we should do? We should give him a whiff of some woodland air!"
The creatures stand around Steve, who wakes up just in time to see three pairs of ridiculously hairy buttocks bearing down on him. He opens his mouth to scream, but a sound like a deep crash of thunder silences him as the night is filled with sasquatch flatulence.
Steve opens his eyes again a few moments later, and he realizes that the foul stench had actually knocked him out. Coughing and sputtering, he crawls over to the tent. "Dave!" he rasps. "Dave, wake up! Three sasquatches just came out of nowhere and farted on me!"
"Yeah, yeah, very funny," comes Dave's muffled response.
"I'm serious!" Steve insists. "Ugh, god, it's in my hair."
"You had a nightmare, Steve!" Dave replies. "Go back to sleep!"
Deciding that his friend must be right – it would be stupid to believe in sasquatches, after all – Steve moves back to his spot, rolls over, and tries to ignore the lingering smell. He eventually drifts off again... right as the three sasquatches come walking back in the opposite direction.
"How the hell do you just 'forget' to bring a basket?" the first sasquatch asks one of his companions.
"I said that I was sorry," replies the second sasquatch. "Hey, wait, look! That guy is still sleeping outside!"
"Maybe the tent isn't big enough for two humans?" the third sasquatch ventures.
"God, Barry, shut up!" snarls the first sasquatch. "He clearly didn't learn his lesson! Let's give him another one!"
Once again, Steve wakes up just in time to watch in helpless terror as three enormous posteriors blast him with a torrent of hot, thick, unbelievably pungent vapors. He barely manages to stay conscious, squinting through watering eyes as the sasquatches stride away into the shadows. "Dave!" he croaks. "Dave! It happened again! The sasquatches farted on me again, Dave! Oh, god, let me in!"
"Ugh," answers Dave. He unzips the tent and peers out. "If you want to trade places that badly, you can just ask."
After a period of shuffling, muttering, and rearranging, Steve secures himself in the tent, and Dave settles down outside. Soon, both men have relaxed... and are completely asleep when the sasquatches return again.
"I'm just saying that if we got our hands on a bucket..." the second one says.
"Hold on!" the first sasquatch interrupts. "Jesus, that guy is still here!"
"No, stop!" The third sasquatch holds up his hands. "Not again! He's had enough!"
The other two sasquatches exchange a glance. "You know what, Barry?" the second one says. "You're right."
"Yeah," the first sasquatch concedes. "I mean, we heard him screaming. He didn't want to keep sleeping outside."
The third sasquatch grins. "Exactly! Let's fart on that asshole in the tent!"